


She Will Be Loved

by Starlight_fallen



Series: Ineffable Strength [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author projecting on Aziraphale, Body Dysphoria, F/M, Female Aziraphale (Good Omens), I Will Go Down With This Ship, Male Crowley (Good Omens), No beta we fall like Crowley, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 08:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22967257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight_fallen/pseuds/Starlight_fallen
Summary: Azira Fell is in her final year of school and she's tired. Tired of her classmates bullying her, tired of her twin brother Gabriel and his group tormenting her even worse, tired of her parents obvious hatred of her. Most of all, she's tired of living. If she can just make it through her last year of school, she'd run. Run away and never be found again.Enter Anthony J. Crowley.Suddenly, there's someone in her life that makes her want to live and stop just surviving. But he'd never want her. She's too dull, preferring books to people. She's too fat, savoring food like she'd never eat again afterwards. She's too out dated, preferring bow ties and waistcoats to the modern fashions or even worse, the skirts her family expect her to wear. What on Earth does she ever expect would appeal to someone like Crowley, when half the school is waiting for the chance to get him?This story will deal with physical, sexual, and mental abuse as a way for me, as the writer, to get through my own past trauma. A lot of what I write for Azira is based of things that I personally went through. Be warned.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Ineffable Strength [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792210
Comments: 110
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

Slamming the locker door closed, Azira leaned against the door letting her mind wander for a few blessed seconds. She knew she needed to get to her next class but she didn’t really feel like dealing with some of her classmates, or heaven forbid, her siblings. Pushing away from the bank of lockers, she started walking towards her math class. Math was her least favorite subject but she knew better than to be late. 

Sighing, she didn’t notice the door to the front office opening until she hit it head first. Falling back with a small shriek, she wondered if her day could get worse. 

Apparently it could. 

“Watch where you’re walking, nerd. Important people are trying to walk here.” 

Trying to make herself smaller at the same time as getting up was a miraculous feat. 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll be more careful, Sandalphon.” Azira said, trying to skirt around him. She managed with only a small stumble when he bumped into her. Azira started walking a little faster, hoping her twin brother Gabriel’s ‘friend’ would leave her alone. Thankfully, she made it to her next class without any other issue. 

Sitting at her desk, she pulled out her materials, waiting for the teacher to arrive and start class. While she waited, she let her mind wander again, trying hard to avoid the thought of having to go home that evening after school. She really hoped that whoever her father brought home would keep him occupied and she’d be able to sneak into her room without having to see him. 

Startled out of her mind when the classroom door banged open, she looked to the front of the class and noticed her teacher walking in with an unfamiliar face behind him. Azira tried not to stare, tried to keep the blush from rising on her face, to very little success. The new student was breathtaking. Awe inspiring. Hair raising, heart stopping, thrilling. Azira could spend all day describing how beautiful the new student was. How someone with shoulder length red hair, all black clothing, and sunglasses Azira was certain was against the dress code, could look so mind boggling stunning was beyond her. Glancing back down at her desk to hide her face, Azira let her hair hide her face from anybody who might have seen her reaction. 

“Alright, everyone, quiet down! I apologize for being late but we have a new student joining us today. This is Anthony.” the teacher said, pointing to the new student. 

“Crowley. My name is Crowley.” the new student growled. 

You could see the teacher hold back the eye roll, already experated with Crowley’s attitude. Gesturing to the desks, the teacher indicated he should find a spot and get away from him. 

‘Oh lord those hips can’t possibly be human hips!’ Azira thought, watching Crowley saunter to the desk behind her. 

Ducking her head even more, hoping he wouldn’t notice her, Azira completely missed Crowley glancing down at her and faltering in his saunter. 

Settling into the only available desk available, Crowley glanced around the classroom, seeing all of the eyes on him. Glaring from behind his glasses, he turned to face the cute almost blonde in front of him. 

Tapping her shoulder, he grinned when he saw her jump slightly and try to cover it up by her twisting to look at him. 

“Do you have a pencil that I could borrow?” 

Azira raised an eyebrow at him, but handed over a pencil to Crowley without saying a word. 

Grinning in thanks, Crowley leaned back in his seat and watched Azira slowly turn back to the front of the classroom. 

___________________________________________

At the end of the class hour, Azira started packing back her stuff, wondering if she’d be able to get home without any interruptions. Standing up and hoisting her bag onto her back, she started heading for the door, setting her work in the tray by the door on her way out. 

“Azira! Wait up for me!” a voice called down the hall. 

Turning, she saw Anathema trying to get across the river of students eager to get out of the school building. 

“Are you going home already?” Anathema asked when she finally reached her. 

Grinning wryly, “well that’s what people typically do when school is over and they don’t want to go elsewhere.” 

Anathema glared at her without heat. “You know you could come over to my house for a while if you wanted to hang out.” 

“I appreciate that, Anathema, but I really would like to go home and finish my homework before it piles on.” 

Azira almost changed her mind when she saw the crestfallen look on her only friend’s face. But she didn’t want to risk getting home after her father got home from work. 

“Are you sure? It’s been forever since we were able to hang out. I miss you, Azira.” Anathema said, already knowing that it wasn’t really going to change the stubborn girl’s mind. 

“I know and I’m terribly sorry, dear. I just need to get this homework done as soon as I can.” Azira told her friend apologetically. She really wanted to beat the rain too, since the sky looked ready to open up and release on them at any given moment. 

Parting ways at the end of the school property, Azira turned back and waved at her friend before hurrying toward her house. Looking back up as she heard a car approaching, she stared as a black classic Bentley pulled up across the street from her. 

“Need a lift?” Crowley asked, as he rolled the window down. 

Shaking herself, Azira shook her head. “Thank you, but I’m good. I live only a few blocks from here. I really appreciate it, though.” 

“You sure? It looks like it’s about to let loose…” the last few words drowned out by a roar of thunder, as fat raindrops started to fall. 

“Oh!” Azira exclaimed as she lifted her messenger bag over her head. 

“Come on, let me drive you home.” Crowley called, getting out of the car to open the passenger door. 

Debating for about two seconds, Azira darted across the street and into the waiting warmth of the car. She really hoped nobody saw her, it wouldn’t be good. Jumping a little as Crowley shut the door and rushed around to jump in on the driver side, Azira tried not to flinch where he could see it. 

“I didn’t get your name earlier.” Crowley said, shifting the car back onto the road. He grinned at the slightly soaked passenger, noticing she was tensed like a prey about to flee a predator. 

Biting her lip, Azira contemplated if it was worth it to tell her name, since she was sure he’d be calling her everything but like the rest of the school soon. 

“Azira. Thank you for the ride.” she replied, looking down at her lap. 

“Azira. That’s not something you hear every day.” Crowley replied, shooting her a grin that made her breath hitch. 

“My parents were expecting a boy, not a girl, so they planned to name me Aziraphale, after the Guard of the Eastern Gate of Eden. When I was born and they saw I wasn’t the son they were expecting, they shortened it.” Azira explained. 

“So they named you after an angel, Angel?” Crowley replied, still giving that heart stopping grin. Azira felt the blush creeping up her neck at the nickname. 

“Deeply religious parents.” was all she said. 

Pointing to a house on the left side, “You can let me out here, my house is just up the way.” 

Shaking his head, Crowley started to tell her that he’d bring her all the way home but when he glanced over at her, he noticed the tenseness in her body. 

‘Of course she doesn’t want anyone seeing her with the likes of you.’ Crowley thought, fighting down the scowl. 

“Are you sure? It’s still pouring rain.” Crowley tries coaxing. 

“I appreciate the ride, I really do, but if my family are already home and saw me getting out of someone else’s car, it wouldn’t be nice.” Azira explained, hoping he would leave it at that and stop before they reached her house. 

No longer fighting the scowl, Crowley got the sense that there was more in that ‘it wouldn’t be nice’ comment. Pulling over to the side of the roadway, he stopped the car. Reaching in the back, he pulled out an umbrella that he kept. Handing it out towards Azira, he waited for her to take it. 

“Here, Angel. At least this will stop you from getting any more soaked since I can’t drive you home.” 

She tried to shake her head. “No, I insist. Otherwise you’ll get sick.” Crowley said, pushing the umbrella in her hands. 

Pausing for a few moments, Azira finally took the umbrella and nodded. 

“Thank you, Crowley. For the ride and the umbrella. I’ll uhh I’ll bring it back for you tomorrow at school, if you want.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” giving Azira another grin. The blush was even harder to hide this time since it blossomed across her cheeks. 

Opening the door, she stepped out, opening the umbrella as she went. When she was at the edge of her home’s yard, she turned back and waved to Crowley. 

____________________________

So yeah.. This has been kind of banging around my head for a little while. I know it’s cringe but I’m just looking to write and using fanfiction to improve my writing abilities. There will be trigger warnings as I’m going to really be using this story as a therapy of sorts since the US healthcare system really doesn’t care about treating mental trauma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley learns a bit about Azira, we learn a bit about Azira.

So I was not expecting the response I got with this. I always seem to think my writing style is really childish but I was pleasantly surprised with the kudos, comments, and the two PMs I ended up getting from this first chapter. I appreciate you guys immensely. I’m hoping to post a chapter each Friday, but I might be able to post more often if time allows. I work full time, go to school, and have children to take care of, so just bear with me on update schedules. 

I do want to Trigger warning this chapter for implied abuse (and there’s a slap that is actually typed out). Nothing heavy for this chapter but I am aware that even implications can cause issues, as they do for me sometimes too. 

______________________________

Azira made it home without being noticed and was able to get to her room without running into anyone in her family. Putting her messenger bag on the small desk, she glanced out the window and saw the Bentley drive by. She couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared as she watched Crowley drive away. 

The smile dropped when her father’s car pulled into the driveway. 

Hurrying away from her window, Azira made sure her door was locked and she listened silently for him coming into the house. She wasn’t sure if Gabriel was home yet, or even her mother. Not that it would matter since they never said anything when he zeroed in on Azira. The house was silent until her father stepped into the house. It was like the whole house was holding its breath as Lucius walked into the house, waiting to see what mood he’d be in today. 

The slamming door and stomps on the staircase answered the question. It was going to be one of those nights. 

____________________________________

It wasn’t as bad as she thought it’d be, looking in the mirror. At least her face wasn’t touched and her hair covered the cut on the side above her ear. Sighing, Azira started her morning routine, hiding the freshly cleaned cut with her hair.

‘Thank somebody it’s almost the middle of autumn, nobody will really question the long sleeves this time of year.’ Azira thought, not without grimacing, ‘Not that anyone questions to begin with.’ 

Leaving the bathroom and heading downstairs, Azira noticed her mom in the kitchen. She tried to be silent, but with half of her ribs bruised and aching, it was difficult to quickly scurry through the kitchen to leave the house. Her mom turned around and caught her before she could make it to the den. 

“You need to be home right after school. Your father and I are going out of town and Gabriel is in charge.” Michael told her, not bothering to notice Azira’s discomfort. 

Azira nodded, turning to leave again. She didn’t notice Michael reach out and grab her hair. Wincing, she turned back around to see her mother right in front of her. 

“You know better than to not answer.” Michael growled out. Before she could respond, Michael slapped her in the face. 

Biting back the whimper, “I’m sorry, mother. Yes, I understand and I’ll be home straight after school every day that you and father are gone.” 

Nodding, Michael released Azira’s hair and let her leave. 

Azira walked as smoothly out of the house as her body would let her. 

_________________________________

As soon as she was away from her house, and making sure Gabriel wasn’t around, Azira felt the tears finally fall down her cheeks. Classmates didn’t like her, her family didn’t like her, hell, she didn’t like herself. It was never enough. Walking with her head down, she didn’t notice Crowley appear next to her. 

“Morning, Angel.” Crowley said, appearing out of nowhere. 

Azira’s head snapped up, not sure if he saw her crying and would make fun of an almost adult crying like a child. 

Whatever Crowley was going to say next died in his throat when he realized she was crying. 

“What happened?” the scowl on his face was enough to raise the hairs on Azira’s arms. 

Azira tried not to flinch, but the voice that came from Crowley just made her feel two seconds away from being attacked again. She ducked her head again. 

“Nothing!” Azira squeaked, trying to wipe the tear tracks off of her face before she was embarrassed anymore. Crowley looked like a flash of hurt crossed his face before he went back to scowling. 

“Something has you crying. Tell me and I’ll take care of it.” 

Azira was momentarily stunned, stopping for a few seconds before a laugh bubbled out of her lips. The scowl deepened. 

“Thank you, Crowley. I’m okay, promise.” Azira told him, looking back up to him and smiling. 

The scowl deepened further, if that was possible, when he noticed the red handprint on her cheek. Crowley reached up and touched the red print on her face. Azira’s eyes widened. Lost in her thoughts, Azira had forgotten her mother had slapped her before leaving the house. 

“Who. Hit. You?” Crowley bit out, glasses flashing in the sunlight. Azira could practically feel the anger rolling off of Crowley in waves. Flinching away from his touch, Azira stared back at the ground. 

“It’s nothing, please just forget about it.” Azira asked, voice very small. Crowley didn’t want to let it go, but didn’t feel he had the right to push for an answer, since they’d only known each other for a day. 

“Fine, but if this happens again, you have to tell me. Nobody deserves to be hit.” Crowley said, dropping his hand. 

Azira looked back up at him and smiled smally again. They started walking towards the school again, talking about classes and plans for after graduation. 

Azira found out that, even with Crowley looking like evil incarnate with his black clothes, dark sunglasses, and his snake tattoo on the left temple, he wanted to skip university (no surprise honestly) and open up a nursery. She learned that Crowley loved growing things. 

Crowley learned that Azira loved books probably more than any other person in the world and wanted to open a bookshop specializing in rare and unique books. He learned that she loved repairing books and wanted to learn how to do it professionally. 

It felt nice to have someone to talk to. Of course, Azira had Anathema but she’d never burden Anathema with her ridiculous desires, especially since it’d be a heaven sent miracle if Azira was ever able to actually open her dream shop. 

They reached the school before long. Crowley walked with Azira until they had to part to go to their lockers for their books. 

“I’ll see you in math.” Crowley told her as they parted. Azira stared in a slight daze, as Crowley sauntered away, thinking again that his hips couldn’t possibly be human. 

________________________

The day passed in a blur for Azira and before she knew it, she was on the way to her math class. She’d made it through the day with only a few verbal attacks from classmates, thankful that nobody decided to touch her physically after last night. It was difficult to go through the motions without having to have more bruises added onto her body. 

The moment she sat down at her desk, it was like every molecule of energy left her body. She felt more exhausted than she had in a long time. Laying her head on her desk, she was immensely thankful her parents were going to be out of town, because it meant Gabriel would be gone too and she’d have a week to breath. 

“You okay, Angel?” 

Azira popped up, secretly shocked that Crowley was actually talking to her. She was sure that after being here and talking to other students, he’d no longer want anything to do with the school outcast. 

“Uhhh, yeah. I’m okay, just didn’t sleep well last night.” Azira told him, thinking ‘though, I wouldn’t call passing out actually sleeping.’ 

“Crowley, don’t bother with her. She’s beneath you.” a voice said behind Crowley. Azira’s eyes widened a fraction before she dipped her head back to her desk. 

Crowley turned around to face the voice with a scowl on his face. “And what’s that supposed to mean, Gabriel?” 

Gabriel scoffed, “She’s not worth your time, I should know. She’s my twin sister.” ‘Twin sister’ being said with such disdain it was clear how Gabriel felt about his twin. 

Before Crowley could respond, the teacher walked in and demanded students take their seats for a pop quiz. 

____________________________

The bell rang and Azira was out of her desk like a hellhound was on her heels. Crowley tried to catch her before she left but his path was blocked by Gabriel. 

“You don’t need to associate with something like that, Crowley. She’s trash and will ruin your reputation if you’re seen hanging around that fuck up.” 

“What the fuck is your problem? If she’s your sister, why are you talking about her like she’s not a fucking persssson?” Crowley hissed out, trying to get around Gabriel. 

Gabriel gripped Crowley’s arm in a vice tight hold to keep him in place. “Stay the fuck away from her unless you want to get your ass kicked too.” Shoving Crowley away, Gabriel straightened his shirt and walked off.   
______________________

A whole day early since I got lucky this week and got 2 days off together and could bust this out. Thanks again for all the love. I really appreciate it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I’m so sorry. I got brought into a funk, coupled with work being absolutely crazy because of COVID-19, and then medical issues that made it too difficult to sit at my computer. 
> 
> There will be a scene that has blood mentioned due to Gabriel attacking Azira in the start of this chapter. This was a difficult chapter to write because a lot of the violence in it comes from my own background. 
> 
> Without further ado, here’s chapter 3 of She Will Be Loved!

It was with great relief that Azira made it out of the school without running into anyone. Just knowing that Gabriel knew someone was interested in befriending her had her terrified, as that meant someone would learn about her family. It was with even greater relief that she got home, only to remember her parents were gone. Which normally meant that Gabriel would be scarce during the week as well. 

Getting home without Crowley catching up to her was bittersweet, her thoughts automatically going to Crowley believing she wasn’t worth the trouble to be friends with. Burying the small flash of disappointment, Azira dropped her backpack by the door as she wandered into the kitchen to get a drink. 

Everything felt better already, now that she was away from school, and it was the weekend. Caught up in her thoughts about what books she could get through this weekend with nobody else likely to be home, Azira missed the sound of the door opening, as well as the sound of someone entering the kitchen. 

Turning around, the hit surprised her, causing her to drop her glass. Tasting blood, Azira guessed she now had a busted lip. The blood on her fingers confirmed it as she brought her hand to her face. Focusing her eyes, the anger on Gabriel’s face was palpable. Averting her eyes, hoping it’d just be the one hit from her twin, Azira didn’t see the hand raising again. Grabbing her by the throat, Gabriel pinned Azira to the cabinets. 

“Your stupidity is going to get you killed one day.” Gabriel hissed at her, squeezing her throat tighter. Gasping for air, Azira tried to apologize but wasn’t able to squeeze the words around the grip he had on her. 

‘That’s gonna bruise.’ ran through her mind. 

Gabriel released her and she dropped to the floor, too disoriented to stay standing. The kick should have been expected, but all Azira was concerned about was returning oxygen to here body and brain. Instinctively, she curled into herself, praying he’d stop before breaking the fractured rib from their father the night before. Crying out, as white hot pain seared through her, it seemed her prayer today wasn’t to be answered. Seeming satisfied after a couple more kicks, Gabriel picked up his bag. 

“I’ll be at Sandalphon’s this week.” was all that was said as he left. 

Azira laid on the cool floor waiting for the throbbing to stop, waiting for breathing to not be a labor intensive task, knowing it would be weeks before that happened but wishing it’d speed up just this once. It felt like hours later when she finally pulled herself into a sitting position, leaning back for support. Hearing a knock on the door had Azira stifling panic, her hazy mind fearing her parents or Gabriel were back. It took a moment to realize they wouldn’t knock on their own house.

The knocking sounded again, followed by a tentative call of “Azira? Are you home?” 

The panic was back, but for a different reason now. No way could she answer Crowley’s calling, not with a fresh cut on her lip, hand marks on her neck, and a big possibility of a black eye. 

“Azira, I’m pretty sure I have the right house. I saw Gabriel leaving, so this has to be your house.” Crowley called out softly, knocking on the door again. 

Struggling to stand up, Azira debated her options. On one hand, if Gabriel saw Crowley outside of their house, she knew it’d be hell to pay. On the other hand, if she let Crowley in and he saw her face, she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle the disgust or the possibility of having more people attacking her. 

Deciding that Crowley was less likely to attack her than Gabriel was, she stumbled to the door. Keeping her head down, hoping her long hair would cover the worst of everything until she could get to the bathroom and cover it, Azira opened the door and pulled Crowley inside.

The silence was deafening after the door shut. Crowley wasn’t expecting to be pulled into the house and Azira was waiting to see if Gabriel came back. At least with her back to Crowley, he was even less likely to see her bruises.

Crowley broke the silence, “You ran off so fast after school, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Azira tensed, afraid even more to turn around, knowing it’d be almost impossible to hide the marks on her face or walk normally with the broken rib. 

“Heh, yeah. I had things I needed to take care of right after school. Couldn’t be put off.” Azira said, breath hitching. Damn, she’d forgotten how difficult talking with a broken rib was. 

“Are you okay? You sound like you're in pain.” Crowley asked, gently placing his hand on her back. 

The reaction was visceral. Azira didn’t even think as she jumped and whirled around, facing the danger, eyes wide. Crowley stumbled back, eyes wide as he took in Azira’s face and neck. The shock wore off fast, however, as anger overtook his features. Azira saw it happen in slow motion, adrenaline slowing down the world around her. 

“What. Happened. To. Your. Face?” Crowley growled out, fists visibly shaking by his side. 

Azira recoiled like he struck her, ducking her head, bringing her arms up to try protecting her body. Crowley brought his hands up, like he was comforting a wounded animal. 

“Let me help you, angel. Please.”

Azira started to shake her head when she heard the door knob twist behind her.   
_______________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for the late update. It’s been crazy at work, I ended up having 2 seizures and was out of commission for a bit, then had even more crazy stuff happen at school. So right now, I’m going to shoot my update schedule in the foot and stop adding that stress on me with everything else lol.   
> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. I know here in Louisiana, we're over 10,000 cases in a month, so please, everyone stay home.


	4. Got a secret, can you keep it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some secrets come out, whether we want them to or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the delay in updating. It’s been crazy and honestly my mental and physical health took a swing for the worse. I was just diagnosed with Addison’s Disease so coping with my body completely breaking down at 26 is just tickety boo lol. 
> 
> This chapter is going to be pretty difficult. As I said before, most of the abuses in this are things I personally went through. Azira is my projection of past traumas. Azira’s family is based on my family, however my younger siblings weren’t like Gabriel, rather they were victims of child abuse themselves. Gabriel is actually based off my older half brother, who thankfully no longer lived with us after I was 6. Sandalphon is based on my ex, who was best friends with my cousin. 
> 
> In this chapter, be warned for violence, blood, and sexual assault. The attack that happens in this chapter is written from what I remember from one of my own attacks. Please take care of yourselves. I appreciate and love you all very much!!

Azira was frozen. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, everything was about to go pear shaped. The door swung open to reveal both Gabriel and Sandalphon.

“You just couldn’t even wait to whore yourself out, could you? Your parents aren’t even gone a day, your brother isn’t even gone an hour, and you’ve already invited someone over.” Sandalphon sneered. 

Gabriel, with a smile like ice, looked at Azira then turned his attention to Crowley. 

“You need to get out of my house now before I call the cops for breaking and entering.” Gabriel told him, moving over towards Azira. Nobody missed the flinch, despite the attempt to stop it. 

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m leaving her alone with you two! Who was it that fucking hit her?” Crowley all but yelled, stepping towards the siblings. In his anger and protective stance, he failed to notice that Sandalphon wasn’t in front of him anymore. 

The blow was the last thing he felt. Azira’s scream was the last thing he heard. 

_________________________________

There was no point in begging. Begging only made it worse. So Azira closed her eyes, waiting for it to end. At some point, it felt like she left her body and stood behind Gabriel and Sandalphon, watching as they hit her. As blood dripped from onto the floor from the multiple cuts appearing on her body. As Sandalphon groped her chest. 

‘Huh. So this is what an out of body experience is like.’ Azira thought, just blankly watching as Sandalphon ripped her shirt. They’d been at it for almost an hour, so she knew it was getting close to the point where Gabriel got tired of it all and left. Leaving her alone with Sandalphon. She almost wished she’d be unconscious by the time that happened. 

A sharp kick to her head suddenly had her back in her body, curling tighter, trying to protect her head from another vicious kick from Gabriel. The physical feelings started to return. She was more than certain one of her wrists were broken, a couple more ribs were at least fractured. She prayed, not totally sure if she wanted one of them to break completely and pierce her lung or not. Death always seemed like a reward in these moments, something even she didn’t deserve. A whimper escaped Azira as she started to feel Sandalphon’s hands on her. 

She faintly heard the door close, knowing Gabriel just left, left her with Sandalphon. Despite knowing nothing would stop it, the fight or flight response kicked in, and Azira struggled to get away from Sandalphon. Pinning her down, Sandalphon started viciously biting her exposed neck and shoulders. Azira felt the tears leaking out, praying that she’d black out soon. The beatings she could handle, there wasn’t a time in her life they didn’t happen. But this, this invasion of her body, mind, and soul, it always ripped her open like a fresh wound. 

“P-pl-please stop.” She whimpered, though the voice in her head reminded her that he loved her begging. 

“So the new guy can get you to spread your legs but you wanna keep pretending that you don’t want my attentions?” Sandalphon chuckled darkly in her ears. 

Still whimpering, Azira tried to shake her head but the pain shooting through her head stopped her mid shake. Sandalphon grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her, making Azira scream as he slammed her broken one into the floor. Finally, the pain was too much and Azira welcomed the blackness of unconsciousness. 

____________________________

Crowley groaned as he lifted his head from the backseat of his car. It was dark outside. Scrambling up, ignoring the pain that shot through his head, Crowley searched for his phone, trying to see the time. 

11:47pm. At night. 27 missed calls and almost 50 texts. 

Fuck. His parents were going to kill him. 

“Azira!” Crowley gasped out. Not wasting another second, Crowley crawled into the front seat and started the Bentley. Looking around, trying to figure out where he was, Crowley realized he didn’t recognize the area at all. 

“Where the fuck did they leave me?” Mumbling to himself, Crowley pulled up the GPS on his phone and hit the quick save for his home address. He was over an hour outside of town! 

Shifting gears, Crowley tore off down the road. He’d deal with his parents later, right now his mind was on the defenseless angel and whether she was alive or not. 

_________________________

The house was completely dark, no lights even on outside. Crowley didn’t know if that was a good thing or if he was about to walk into a murder scene. A cold chill, that had nothing to do with the chilly night air, settled along his spine. 

‘Please be alive, Azira. I shouldn’t have let you brush me off this morning.’ Crowley thought, creeping up to the door and listening for any sound inside. All was silent. 

Trying the door, Crowley was mildly shocked the door wasn’t locked, but he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth if it meant getting to Azira. Opening the door, Crowley glanced around the dark entry way but didn’t see or hear anything. Not totally sure where Azira was, or if she was even here, Crowley thought briefly about calling the cops, but decided against it. He didn't need to sound like he was making stuff up if he couldn’t find Azira. He also disregarded the idea of calling out her name, he didn’t know who was and wasn’t here. 

Walking into the house, Crowley pulled his phone out and used the screen light as a guide. He walked towards the back of the house, listening for any sounds. Seeing a light down a hallway, he crept slowly towards it, not sure who was there. He could now hear running water, like someone had the sink running. 

Standing outside of what he assumed was the bathroom, Crowley listened to see if he could hear was in the room. A muffled whimper answered his unspoken question. Now the issue was how did he announce himself so that he didn’t give Azira a heart attack. Not able to ponder long, his phone sent off notifications, more texts from his mother trying to find out where he was at. Cursing, Crowley tried to shut his phone up. 

What few sounds had been coming from the bathroom ceased completely. 

_______________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t kill me! I promise the next chapter will be out tomorrow. I will be in the hospital for more testing and won’t be forgetting my laptop this time since it’s a preplanned visit. So I’ll have chapter 5 posted by 8pm Central time tomorrow night. I love all of you guys, seriously, your comments had me crying my eyes out at work today. You are all amazing and breathtaking individuals. Thank you, from the very pit of my soul.


	5. Aftermath Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here’s chapter 5 as promised. I know it’s a bit later than I thought but I got it out! All the comments, kudos, and love have renewed my desire to finish this. Thanks you guys!
> 
> This chapter is going to contain aftermath of abuse, physical and sexual. It will also mention blood.

The silence stretched, Crowley stood frozen, not sure how to move anymore. He debated whether or not to try opening the door, but settled for whispering Azira’s name, just loud enough that he hoped if it was her, she heard him. Several tense seconds passed before he heard the telltale click of a lock being clicked open. Crowley held his breath, trying to keep his heart from bursting out of his chest. 

The door opened very little, where only a sliver of blue eyes and blond hair were visible. The bit of face that was visible showed the eyes widening. 

“Azira, oh Someone! You’re alive.” Crowley breathed, lifting his hand towards the door now that he knew it was Azira there. Azira hadn’t moved, as though paralyzed. 

“Talk to me, please. Are you here alone?” Crowley begged. 

The silence continued from Azira. Crowley didn’t know what to do, he didn’t think beyond making sure Azira was still alive. 

____________________________

Azira felt her eyes fluttering as she regained consciousness. It took several long minutes before she was aware enough to start registering her injuries. 

‘Definitely a broken wrist, left one this time. No telling how many broken ribs. Lips are definitely busted open again. No concussion this time though.’ Azira thought, laying in the silence and darkness. 

She purposely ignored the injuries on her lower half. She also ignored the fact that she was still naked. Acknowledging these two bits of information would only make her spiral and she needed to clean the split skin across her body so she didn’t get an infection. 

Laying in the darkness, Azira’s mind wondered back to the last time she refused to move and clean the wounds on her body. She didn’t really remember what happened before she woke up in the hospital, it was back when she still begged for mercy. Apparently she had left several severe open wounds too long and infection set in. She didn’t know who brought her to the hospital, probably her mom because having to explain a dead kid riddled with cuts, bruises, and open wounds wasn’t something they’d be able to do without someone finding out. But she woke up in the hospital, hooked up to bags of antibiotics. She spent almost a week there, with only her mother showing up every morning when the doctor made rounds. She didn’t know the story that they spun, but at the end of the week she was sent home with her parents. It had not been pretty afterwards, she was accused of doing it on purpose and punished again for it. So she knew not to let it happen again. 

It took what felt like hours for her to be able to slump up and drag herself to the bathroom, beyond thankful the house was actually empty. For once, the darkness was a welcome relief, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to look at herself yet. 

Finally making it to the bathroom, Azira flinched as the light filled her senses. She made absolutely sure she locked the door this time. Glancing at her reflection in the full length mirror, she tried to ignore the handprints left all over her legs and hips. Limping over to the sink, she started running water to wash off the feelings on her skin. 

About an hour later, she was almost ready to try a shower when beeps pierced the relative silence of the house. Without thinking about her injuries, her head whipped toward the closed door, checking again that it was for sure locked. Cutting off the running water in the sink, Azira didn’t know whether to try hiding or not. 

Then the voice drifted through the door, saying her name. It took a moment to register that it wasn’t anyone in her family or Sandalphon. Walking along the wall for support, she reached the door and slowly unlocked it. Barely opening it, the face that she saw simultaneously made her heart jump in happiness that he was okay and then drop like a lead balloon for fear he now knew her secret. Her eyes widened when she saw the golden eyes looking at her. She heard what he said, but she was too frozen to actually register what he said. 

_________________

“What…” Azira attempted to say, but her voice came out hoarse and scratchy. Trying to clear her throat enough to speak, Azira winced with the pain that shot through her throat from where she’d been choked earlier. 

“Are you okay?” Azira whispered, trying to speak really softly to avoid further pains. 

She watched those beautiful golden eyes widen, flinching back when he spoke. 

“Am I okay? That’s fucking irrelevant, Azira! You’re the one who was barely standing hours ago. Are YOU okay?” Crowley started out rather loudly and lowered his voice as he saw the sliver of her face flinch in fear. “Do you need to go to the hospital?” 

“No!” Rasped Azira. 

Crowley watched the door tremble as though Azira was trying to stifle shakes. Holding up his hands, like he did earlier in the day, Crowley asked how he could help then. 

It took a few minutes for Azira to come to a decision. She could only hope that it was the right one. 

Telling Crowley haltingly where her room was at and where her clothes were, she watched him turn and walk towards the end of the hallway where her room was at. Closing the door again, she laid her head on the frame, trying to stop the fear rising in her throat again. She had to tell him. 

Dragging her body towards the shower, she climbed in and turned on the spray. After a few minutes, she heard Crowley knock on the door. For a moment, when the door started to open, Azira was panicking. But the door only opened a small portion and her clothes were placed on the floor. 

“Angel. I’ll be right out here when you’re ready.” Crowley told her softly, closing the door. 

It took a good half hour before Azira was able to be cleaned up enough to satisfy herself. It took her another 15 frustrating minutes to put on her clothes because bending over was painful, lifting her arms hurt. Quite honestly, there wasn’t a single part of her that didn’t hurt or burn. Finally she was dressed but all of her energy was fading fast. Leaning heavily on the wall again, she made it to the door, opening it to see Crowley sitting across the hallway, staring blankly at the door. 

Hearing the door opening, Crowley snapped out of his thoughts. Standing up, he tried hard to cover the rage that flashed through his eyes, seeing Azira’s face. 

“I don’t think I can make it to my room, can you help me please?” Azira whispered, leaning heavily on the door frame. 

Crowley just stared at her, mouth falling open in shock. “You can’t stay here. Please.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Yes, you can! You can stay with me if you don’t have anyone else to stay with! But staying here, Azira! Have you seen your face? I don’t even want to imagine what internal injuries you’ve got!” 

Azira was too exhausted to argue. “I can’t. They’ll never let me go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’m almost 2 hours late but I got home from the hospital and passed out. But I’ve started on the next chapter already, so hopefully I’ll have that up on Monday when I’m off work again. 
> 
> The conversation that Azira and Crowley is almost a word for word conversation that my husband and I had when I was 17. But guys, it gets better. There’s going to be a happy ending, I promise. Thanks again for all of your love!!


	6. Aftermath Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Azira talk some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update everyone. I hope this longer chapter makes up for it! It took a lot of time to get back into my grove, and I’m sure not about to promise any updates again because we all know I can’t keep a schedule to save my life lol. 
> 
> Mentions abuse but doesn’t have anything graphic. Mostly just setting the stage for upcoming chapters. I’m probably going to be wrapping this at 10 chapters but don’t hold me to that!

He didn’t understand. Why would they want her to stay if all they did was abuse her? Crowley tried to understand, he really did. He grew up in a home that was loving, if a little distant. His parents always sought to let him have the best. His siblings, while not his best of friends, were not anywhere close to the level that Gabriel was. So it baffled Crowley why Azira was so hesitate to leave. 

He’d spent hours trying to get Azira to leave with him but she wouldn’t risk it. He was extremely hesitate to leave her there, knowing that she was being abused but he couldn’t force her to leave. She even begged him not to tell anyone about what happened, claiming she was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. He tried to stay with her while he could, but the longer he was there, the more anxious she became, until Crowley agreed to leave, but only if she promised to call him if she needed him. 

Not surprisingly, she didn’t have a cell phone. Which lead to where Crowley was right now. 

______________________

Azira knew Crowley wouldn’t drop it. He was too good of a person to know that someone was being abused and turn a blind eye to it. She wasn’t sure if she was thankful for it or if she was terrified of someone else knowing. She just had to figure out a way to explain to Crowley that she deserved it, even if she hated it herself. Even if she hated herself. 

Azira stayed in her room after finally convincing Crowley that he needed to leave, that no she couldn’t go with him, but it took a promise of calling him if she needed him. His face when she told him she didn’t have a phone was sort of funny. Who didn’t have a cell phone in this day and age? Azira, that’s who. 

She contemplated getting up and trying to get something to eat while she could but at the same moment, she was comfortable to stay in her bed too and never move again if she could help it. She stayed there for an indeterminate time until she heard someone enter the house again. Tensing up, she listened for them to see if they were coming towards her room. Of course they were, where else in the house would they go? She twisted so that her back was to the door, hoping that whoever came in figured she was asleep and left her alone. Ignoring the twinges in her still damaged body, she tried to slow her breathing to better appear asleep. 

“Hey, are you awake, angel?” 

Azira felt her eyes widen hearing Crowley’s voice again. Ignoring the pain in her body, she flipped back over and sat up staring at him. 

“What…what are you doing here again?” Azira asked, bewildered. 

Holding up a box, Crowley held it out to her, silently asking her to take it. She looked from him to the box, back to him, back to the box. Crowley walked closer to her and placed the box on her lap. Azira stared at the box for a while, Crowley fidgeted beside her. 

Finally, Azira picked up the box, just holding it. Suddenly, her fingers tightened on the box. 

“Crowley, I don’t know what to say. You know I can’t pay for service on this, and honestly if my family found out, it’d only cause more trouble.” Azira whispered, but clutched the box just a little more tightly. Almost like she was afraid he really would take it back from her. 

“I’ll pay for it. Please, this is for my peace of mind too. Being able to contact you, know you can contact me, it’ll make it easier for me to hold up to my promise to you.” Crowley told her, in that tone that most would call pleading. It took a few more minutes for Azira to agree, promising him that she would keep it. 

Taking the phone out of the box, Crowley spent the next few hours showing Azira how to use the smartphone and programed his number in. In between learning about the phone, Crowley and Azira talked about their plans for their future. 

“I do want to get out of here but you don’t understand, Crowley. My family owns me.” Azira told Crowley, looking at her lap again to try hiding the building tears. 

“You can’t own another person, angel. They don’t own you, they never have and never will. If you want out, you’ve got me.” Crowley hissed. 

They sat in silence for a while, Crowley to calm his temper and desire to beat her family, and Azira to stop the building tears and desire to beg for help. 

Trying to lighten the mood, Crowley decided to get Azira to play 20 questions with him. 

“Favorite color?”

“Purple. Mountains or oceans?” 

“Oceans, can’t stand the cold. Sun or rain?” 

“Rain.” 

They spent hours asking random questions about each other and before they even realized it, night had blanketed the outside of the house. Crowley noticed that neither of them had eaten since that morning, so he told Azira to stay put and went to get them food. 

After Crowley left to get food, Azira crawled out of bed, conscious of her body protesting but knowing this was needed. Sneaking into her parents’ room, she found a medium sized bag that wouldn’t be missed. Going back in her room, she started putting small bits of clothing and books in the bag. Not anything that would be noticeable, but enough that she wouldn’t be completely without if she did leave suddenly. She hadn’t felt this type of urge in years, the desire to run away, to be away from all of the pain and hatred. She felt guilt settle in her stomach as she hid the bag in the top of her closet. 

She knew she deserved it. If she was better, if she didn’t embarrass her family, if she was more concerned with appearances and not with her grades or books, her family would love her and she wouldn’t incur their anger or abuse. She was tired though. She knew she deserved it, but she also couldn’t help her desire to be free. 

Hearing a sound coming from her bed, she remembered the phone Crowley bought her. Which brought on another wave of guilt, someone else had to do things for her. Picking the phone up, she opened the text from Crowley, unable to stop the smile that formed on her face despite the guilt settling in her stomach.   
_______________________

Crowley didn’t like having to leave Azira, he positively hated that he couldn’t take her with him, but short of physically dragging her with him, which he’d never do, he was stuck just waiting for her to decide to leave. Giving her the phone helped tremendously, however. 

He stayed with her, texting his mom and telling her that he was with a friend. That conversation didn’t go well, his mom was not happy with him for not answering her previously. He promised he’d explained when he came home. 

He stayed with Azira for 3 more days, only running home to get clothes when he knew his parents would be out, making sure she was okay and healing when he finally let her kick him out. He knew he needed to go home and talk to his parents, tell them what was going on. 

____________________________

Crowley opened his front door, the smell of coffee hitting him. 

“AJ, is that you?” His mom called out from the direction of the kitchen. 

“Yeah, mum, it’s me.”

His mum appeared in the doorway between the kitchen and hallway, rushing over to hug him. He hugged her back tighter, feeling the last 4 days crash over him. Had it really only been less than a week since he found out that Azira was brutally abused by her family? It felt like forever ago. 

He let his mum lead him into the kitchen, sitting him at the table, and putting coffee in front of him. She sat across the table from him, waiting for him to talk. 

Talk he did. He told his mum about Azira, how she was an angel, brilliant, smart, kind, everything. He watched his mom’s face light up with excitement about how he talked about her. He knew what she was thinking, and she wasn’t wrong, but he also knew he was about to break her heart. 

When he told her about Gabriel and Sandalphon, he watched as her face drained of color, her golden brown eyes widen in horror, and then the tears started falling down her face. His mum wore her heart on her sleeve, she felt emotions deeper than most other people. It was something he got from her, but he was able to hide it better than she was. 

He kept quiet about waking up in the middle of nowhere after being hit in the head by them. 

He watched his mum stand up so harshly that the chair clattered to the ground. 

“We can’t leave her there! We have to report it! They can’t abuse someone, especially like that, and get away with it!” Frances screamed. 

Crowley held up his hands, trying to placate his mum, even though every fiber in his being agreed vehemently with her. 

“Mum, I know. I tried to get her to leave but she wouldn’t. She thinks she deserves it!” Crowley hissed out. Despite his mum’s face already being pale, it somehow got paler with that statement. 

“She has a phone now, with my number. She promised to call me if she needs me.” Crowley felt defeated. He wanted to protect her but he couldn’t do that if she wouldn’t let him. 

His mum knew now, though. Frances programmed Azira’s phone number into her phone as well, just so she would have it in case of any emergencies. 

Crowley stayed anxious until school resumed, even though he texted Azira almost constantly. He knew he couldn’t expect responses unless she was alone since her family couldn’t know about the phone. 

For once, Crowley couldn’t wait for school to start up again.


	7. They Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I messed up, and it was supposed to be a week out of school, not just a weekend. In the UK, students break for a half term break for a full week in mid-October, which it the time line for this. They’re just coming back from the autumn half term break in the start of this chapter. This chapter does have a small time skip to the Christmas/Yule holidays. 
> 
> There will be more implied abuse in this chapter, please practice self care my friends!

School returned without much fanfare. Azira was glad that she was able to move easier and cover up the still healing bruises on her face. Thankfully, when school started back up, her parents were still gone and Gabriel wouldn’t come back until they did. Leaving her to her own devices while they were gone. 

Returning to school was a relief, making Azira feel safer, even with her bullies being here too. Her face lit up as she saw Anathema across the hall. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face when Anathema noticed her and started walking towards her. 

“Azira! I missed you!” Anathema said, pulling Azira into a hug. 

She didn’t miss the full body flinch. Azira didn’t miss the glint in her friend’s eye either as her gaze sharpened on her. 

“What happened?” Anathema gritted out. 

Shaking her head, Azira tried pulling away to explain away her flinch as just her being silly. “It’s nothing, Ana dear. I promise, just some bruising from being too rough.” Azira told her. 

Hearing a scoff behind her, Azira whipped around to see Crowley walking up to them. He looked Azira in the eye, trying to convey that she needed to tell someone, but Azira just broke eye contact. 

“Can we help you?” Anathema asked, raising her eyebrows at the newcomer. 

“Names Crowley, I’m friends with Azira.” Crowley said, offering his hand to Anathema. She took his hand, eyes appraising him. Apparently he passed her test because she smiled at him. 

Guiding Azira along, they started walking towards the classrooms to start their day. __________________

The first day back passed in a blur for Azira, who was almost delirious with happiness at being back at school and now having both Crowley and Anathema by her side. 

People were leaving her alone, only making mild comments about her weight, looks, love of books, nothing really new. Azira couldn’t help but wonder if this was all Crowley’s doing, but she was too scared to ask. 

The day ended and Azira was putting her books in her locker, already feeling a bit of sadness hit as she realized she had to go home. As she turned away from her locker, her eyes widened. 

Anathema and Crowley were standing behind with identical grins on their faces. It was kind of scary. 

“So, we’ve been talking.” Anathema started. 

“Oh this cannot be any good. I knew you two shouldn’t have met.” Azira mumbled, letting them each guide her out of the school building. 

“As Ana said, we’ve been talking and we think you need to listen and come with us.” Crowley told her, guiding her and Ana to his car. 

Azira tried to protest, knowing it was pointless. Anathema was formidable on her own, coupled with Crowley? Azira didn’t stand a chance. 

______________________

The pulled up outside of a very well maintained, modest looking house. Azira figured it had to be Crowley’s house since she knew where Anathema lived and that wasn’t this place. 

“Come on, angel, let me introduce you to my mum.” Crowley said. 

Azira hesitated, smiling slightly as Anathema grumbled in the backseat about ‘what was she, chopped liver?’. They both climbed out of the car, Azira hesitating again, letting her nerves show on her face. 

Before she could tell them that she really needed to go home, the door to the house flew open. A woman with vibrant red hair that looked like fire in the afternoon sunlight rushed out of the house. Crowley clearly got his looks from her, he was almost a mirror image of his mother. 

“Welcome, welcome! Come inside, I have snacks and drinks.” The woman excitedly yelled to the group of teenagers. Azira and Anathema couldn’t stop the smiles on their faces. The woman’s enthusiasm was contagious. 

Letting Crowley and his mum corral them into the house, both girls missed the looks between Crowley and his mum. Frances settled all of the teens at the table and brought out food before she settled into her chair next to Crowley. 

Silence descended upon the group. Azira not knowing what this was all about, Crowley fidgeted in his seat, hesitate to start the conversation, Anathema kept playing with her glass, avoiding looking at Azira. Frances just studied Azira, noting the well blended makeup on her face.

Anathema was the one who finally broke the silence. She’d known Azira since they were small children, she had begged for years for Azira to run away, but she knew there wasn’t a place Azira could go. Anathema lived with a distant family member, who would never have agreed to house an abused friend. Now though, now there were others who knew, who would help Azira. If only Azira would take it. 

“Azira, you need to leave.” 

Jumping slightly, Azira stared at Anathema before shifting her gaze to Crowley’s mum. 

Reaching out her hand slowly towards Azira, Frances spoke up, “Dear, Crowley told me what happened last week. You don’t deserve that, there’s nothing in this universe that would ever cause you or any other person to deserve abuse or being violated like this. Please let us help you.” 

“We can help you, we can protect you.” Crowley added to his mum’s statement. 

“We will protect you.” Anathema added. 

Azira looked between all of them, her mouth opening and closing in shock. She figured Crowley might have to tell his parents, but she didn’t realize that Anathema actually knew. She looked back at Anathema, trying to figure out if she knew before Crowley or if he’d told her. 

Anathema guessed at why Azira was shocked, “I’ve known for years, Azira. But you ignored my subtle attempts at getting you to leave and I was afraid you’d hide if I said it outright. You’re like my sister, Azira, and I need you safe, please.” Anathema looked close to tears. 

Azira flinched when Frances reached towards her face, but she just gently wiped the tears off Azira’s face. Azira didn’t even realize she started crying. 

“You’ve done really good with this makeup, but you don’t need to hide it. They need to be punished for what they do to you. Everyone should know the type of people they are.” 

Shooting up like she’d been hit, Azira scrambled out of Frances’s reach. 

“I…I can’t.” Azira turned and ran. 

Anathema and Crowley had attempted to go after Azira when she ran, but Frances stopped them. 

“She’s not ready. We can’t force her and if we push her, she’ll close up even more. She knows we’re here, she knows when she’s ready, she can come to us. That’s all we can do at this moment.” Frances told them, hurt and anguish clouding her own face. 

__________________

Azira avoided them after that. Every time Anathema or Crowley tried to talk to her, she found a reason for the conversation to end and her to leave. This went on for months. Anathema and Crowley got really good at recognizing the makeup covering her face, the way she held her body when she walked, and the various other signs that nobody else noticed or ignored. Every day they worried more. 

Crowley still paid for her phone, making sure that she had it even if she didn’t answer him. He knew she read his messages, he never showed her how to turn off the read receipts. He made sure she knew it was still active and that if ever she needed him, he’d be there for her without pause. He gave Anathema Azira’s number and as far as he knows she texted her often too, but he doubted Anathema got replies either. 

The end of the autumn term was here, and with it, Azira’s 18th birthday. Her parents and Gabriel were going on a trip abroad to celebrate Gabriel’s birthday. 

After all of her classes were over, Azira walked to her locker, head held down, trying to appear smaller. She’d been cornered in the bathroom earlier that day and shoved around by some classmates as a last hurrah before the new year. Her shoulder was bruised and she thought they might have reopened the gash from her mother’s heels on her ribs. 

As she got to her locker, she looked up and couldn’t stifle the gasp. Her locker was decorated with ‘Happy Birthday’ notes and a balloon was taped to her locker. 

“Happy birthday!” Two voices called from behind her. 

Spinning around, Azira smiled as tears gathered in her eyes. Anathema’s eyes narrowed slightly when she saw the side flinch that Azira covered quickly. She covered it up to prevent Azira from running away again. Smiling at her friend, Anathema pulled her gift from behind her and handed it to Azira, Crowley mimicking her and pulling his own gift out. 

“Guys, I don’t know what to say. I don’t…” Azira started to say through her tears. 

“Don’t even try saying you don’t deserve it. It’s your birthday, you definitely deserve it! Now open your gifts please!” Crowley interrupted her, pushing his gift into her hand. 

Azira took the gift and looked between the gift and Crowley. He nodded to encourage her to finally open it. She slowly ripped the paper off of the gift to reveal a book. 

Book Repair and Restoration.

Azira couldn’t stop the huge smile that came to her face as she read the title. 

“Oh Crowley! I love it very much! It’s the perfect gift, thank you.” Azira gushed, clutching the book to her chest. 

“Hey, you haven’t even opened my gift yet, how can you say that?” Anathema joked, handing Azira her gift. 

Taking the gift from her friend, Azira ripped off the paper to reveal what looked like a box that would hold a necklace. Confused, Azira looked up at Anathema, who gestured for her to open the box. 

In it sat a bow tie in a golden plaid with lines of blue and tan running through it. 

“My family is originally from Scotland, this is our family tartan. Only members of a family are supposed to wear the tartan pattern, and I couldn’t think of a better way of reminding you that you’re my sister than this. You love bow ties too, so this seemed the perfect thing to give you for your 18th birthday.” Anathema explained after a few minutes of Azira staring in silence at the bow tie. 

When she looked up, they both noticed the tears running down her face. Azira didn’t say anything as she pulled Anathema into a hug, holding her tightly to her as she cried. Anathema just wrapped her arms around her and let her cry. 

After a few minutes, Azira pulled away, holding both of her gifts close to her chest. 

“I take it back, this is the best gift ever.” Azira said, glancing at Crowley and hoping he didn’t take offense to her statement. Crowley just smiled at her.


	8. Girl with the broken smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter for rape, violence, suicidal thoughts, and hospital stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So somehow my ex found this story, which truth be told, isn’t all that surprising since he is quite proficient with stalking me. I’m honestly just surprised it took him this long to locate my Ao3 account. He sent some not so good comments to me, comments that had I been in a different mood, probably would have crumbled and freaked out about his finding this account. 
> 
> But I’m currently wrapped in anger so might as well direct it at someone who never got any of my anger yet deserved tons of it. So hello! Welcome! Buckle up and enjoy this chapter, because Sandalphon is you, you know who you are. It’s time I got to tell my story. 
> 
> Please practice self care my friends. This chapter contains a rape scene, violence, a hospital stay, and suicidal thoughts. I will do a line of asterisks ****** to preface the start of the traumatic events.

Crowley and Anathema tried to convince Azira to go with them for her birthday but she declined. She knew she was going to already be in trouble for not being home directly after school, knowing her parents and Gabriel were leaving tonight. She turned down a ride as well. 

When she got home, the house was silent and dark. Azira looked around the empty house. 

Empty house. 

The house was empty. Ripping through the house, Azira ran to each room, seeing it just as bare as the front room. Running to her room, she found her hidden bag sitting on the floor in the middle of her room. Azira froze, they knew she had been stashing things away, they knew she planned to flee one day. 

And now they were gone. 

Slumping down to the floor, she sat there and stared at her bag for what felt like hours. For all she knew it could have been because when she finally moved again, there was an obvious change in the lighting outside. Standing up, her body protested after being in the same position for hours. 

Azira walked over to her bag, it was all she had left in the world anymore. Everything she owned was in this bag and in her messenger bag for school. 

She curled around the bag and cried herself to sleep. 

************************ (This is where the bad starts)************************

The sound of crashing woke Azira up. She stayed curled around her bag, trying to listen for anymore noise, slightly unsure if the noise was even real to begin with. She heard thumping footsteps and tried to get herself oriented enough to get up, but the hours of crying and numbness was proving difficult to shake. She was still slightly disoriented when she was roughly grabbed and slammed to the ground, causing lights to dance across her vision. The smell of alcohol hit her in the face just as her vision cleared enough to see Sandalphon’s face glaring down at her. 

“Looks like they left me my toy.” He slurred in her face, grabbing her cheeks and trying to kiss her. 

Azira jerked away, trying to fight against him but Sandalphon pinned her down with his body. She could already feel his erection getting harder in her hip and started struggling to buck him off of her body. She didn’t even see him raise his hand until the fist landed on her cheek. She cried out, begging anyone to hear her screams this time. 

Sandalphon started roughly tearing her clothes off and biting her everywhere skin was being exposed. Azira was sobbing, begging him to stop. 

“Ple-please stop. Please don’t do this. STOP!” Azira sobbed, trying to buck him off her again as he bit down hard on her breast. She felt the skin of her breast split, feeling blood slide down. She started fighting harder, brokenly begging for him to stop.

He seemed to enjoy her screaming and fighting but Azira was so tired of not fighting. She kept twisting and fighting, begging him to stop, and he kept hitting her. The more she fought, the harder he hit her, bit her, pulled on her hair and clothes. 

Suddenly he paused in his hitting but the look on his face made Azira wish he’d continue. Something shiny appeared in his hands and Azira begged for mercy. 

“You belong to me, you’re mine to do with as I want. Nobody is ever going to want you.” Sandalphon growled.He managed to rip her skirt off, scratching and clawing her thighs and hips in his anger. 

“Nobody wants fat, used cunts.” 

Without warning, he shoved three fingers inside her. Azira screamed until her throat felt bloody. 

“Shut up shut up shut up! Nobody fucking cares if you die, stop screaming!” Sandalphon yelled in her face, his face suddenly clouding in pure rage, hitting her in the face over and over again. 

Azira felt her nose break on one of the punches and with it, all the fight drained from her. She didn’t even feel the stabs from the knife, it was like she was completely numb to every sense. She begged internally for him to kill her, to end all of her pain. All of his screaming became a buzzing noise and didn’t make sense to Azira anymore. She watched him get up and pull off his pants but it didn’t register in her mind what was happening. She faintly realized her body was in shock. 

The last thing she felt was him shoving himself into her, then the world went black. 

______________________

Regaining consciousness was always difficult. The longer you are out, the harder it is to leave the comfort of the black abyss and rejoin reality. Opening her eyes slowly, she was confused. 

It was still dark, but she could hear beeping. That never happened. Then the beeping began to increase, almost in time with her heart starting to race. 

A sound to her side made her try to twist her head, but she couldn’t move it. She was frozen. Her mind started racing, causing her panic to escalate. 

She could hear voices, voices getting louder, she felt hands on her but she couldn’t jerk away. Her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest. She couldn’t get air into her lungs, she was drowning. 

Then the darkness came back.   
_______________________

The second time Azira opened her eyes, she shut them again quickly in pain. It was bright. 

“Shhh, Azira, you’re okay, you’re safe.” 

Slowly blinking her eyes open again, Azira was able to turn her head this time and turned her head slightly to see Crowley sitting in a chair next to her. Anathema was asleep on the couch behind him. 

To say Azira was confused would be an understatement. Was she in heaven? Was this hell, designed to give her her greatest desire only to rip it away when she was happy? 

“Are you thirsty? I need to let the nurses know you’re awake so they can get the doctor in here.” Crowley explained to her. Azira just stared at him, barely understanding what he was telling her. 

Crowley gave her a strained smile, turning to wake Anathema up so he could go alert the nurses to Azira being awake. Anathema shot up, clambering over to Azira and putting her hands on Azira’s face. Crowley slipped out, heading to the nurse’s station. He pulled his cell phone out as well to text his mum telling her that Azira was awake. His mum replied almost immediately that she was on her way. 

“Oh Azira, oh.” Anathema cried, looking at her friend, pain obvious in her expression. 

Azira just stared at Anathema, trying to process everything. Her mind was sluggish, still rebooting from being unconscious for Somebody only knows how long. 

Crowley came back in the room with a nurse. He smiled at Azira as he walked around the bed to take her hand again while the nurse got equipment set up to take her vitals. 

“Hello, dearie! I’m glad you’ve finally decided to come back to us. These two have barely left your side this whole time. You’ve been giving everyone quite a scare on if you’d pull through.” The nurse prattled on as she took Azira’s vitals. Azira just stared at her with a blank expression on her face the whole time. 

It took a few more minutes for the nurse to get everything she needed and then she asked Azira how she was feeling and if she needed anything? 

“How long?” Azira rasped out. 

“You’ve been in a coma for a little over 2 weeks, love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is based on how I finally got away from my ex. I don’t really remember much of the day it happened, but I did change things a little bit. My family didn’t abandon me like Azira was done in the story, however everything else is based on real events. I spent 2 weeks in a coma because of his attack. The only person that was there the whole time was my friend who found me half dead in my bedroom. She stayed with me as much as she could (I was only 16 when this happened, not 18 like Azira) for my entire 5 week 3 day stay in the hospital.


	9. Paper Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been on a roll with writing lately and I’m so thankful because I felt so bad about going so long without updating. I’m planning a sequel for this (if it’s wanted really) but we are looking towards at least 2 more chapters after this one. 
> 
> This chapter will be dealing with the aftermath of Azira’s attack. There’s no graphic violence but it does mention her injuries. It does have moments of suicidal thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> I honestly am blown away at all the love and support that I have received from everyone on this story, it’s more than I’ve ever had before, even from the 29 therapists I’ve since in the 10 years since I left my mother’s custody and my ex’s abuse.
> 
> I’ll leave you with a Doctor Who quote that I tell myself daily. “In 900 years of time and space, and I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.” To anyone who needs an ear, I’ll listen, I’ll be a shoulder if you need it. I am here for you too. I love you all! 
> 
> Things are definitely swinging in the other direction for Azira now. She has Anathema and Crowley. She also has Frances, who I have a bit of a backstory to give in the sequel I’m planning.

Azira just stared blankly straight ahead. She heard the words, she heard Crowley and Anathema talking to her, but her brain wasn’t processing the words. 

Two weeks. Those words kept circling through her mind, over and over again. 

The door opened causing Anathema and Crowley to taper off with their conversation or trying to coax Azira into talking to them. Frances stepped into the room, in her hands were flowers and some balloons. 

Azira just stared blankly at her. 

___________________________

Hours later, Azira was still just staring blankly. Frances had convinced both Crowley and Anathema to go home and shower, eat real food, and try to sleep. Frances had sat in silence with Azira, letting her try to process everything. It didn’t help that Azira was on some high dosage pain medicine due to her wounds. 

The doctor came in, finally making his rounds to Azira, about half an hour after the other two left. 

“Hello, Azira. I’m glad to see you are awake. We were a little worried there for a bit because your body wasn’t sure if it wanted to cooperate with us. I’m glad you came back though, you’ve had all your friends worried. How are you feeling?” The doctor asked, shooting a friendly smile at Azira. 

She just stared at him. 

He gave her a searching look, waiting for her to answer him, but she just continued staring at him with a blank look on her face. 

“Azira? Can you answer me?” 

She just stared. 

Turning to Frances, the doctor asked, “Has she said anything to anyone since she woke up?” 

Frances shook her head, telling the doctor that the question she asked the nurse has been the only sound Azira has made since waking up. The doctor’s smile dropped and he looked worried again. 

“Azira, I understand if you don’t want to talk, you’ve been through some serious trauma and you’ll need time to heal, but I need you to show me that you’re with us here. Can you blink your eyes if you understand me?” 

Nothing happened for a long minute. Frances felt like she was holding her breath, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Finally after a minute or so, Azira slowly blinked her eyes. 

The doctor’s face lit up again, “Oh I’m so happy to see that. Like I said, you’ve suffered a lot of trauma, both mentally and physically, so it’s understandable if you don’t want to talk right now, but I’m glad you’re here with us now.” 

Azira listened to him rattle off what injuries she had, including multiple fractures and contusions, 4 stab wounds on her arms, and severe tearing. Azira’s left arm was in a cast from her wrist to her shoulder, her stomach and chest were wrapped in bandages, she was also faintly aware of her hair being shaved. She heard what the doctor said, memories flitting through her mind, of Sandalphon pinning her down, violating her again and again, and her begging for death. 

She still wanted to die. Death would be a relief, she was so tired. She noticed that the doctor and Frances were both looking expectantly at her. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Frances started, unconsciously reaching for the traumatized teenager. Frances couldn’t stop her tears but she did stop the rage she felt from showing on her face. The last think she wanted was to scare Azira or compound her trauma any further. 

The doctor was quick to reassure Azira, reminding her that there was no reason to apologize but Azira didn’t appear to hear him anymore. She retreated back into herself. Both Frances and the doctor shared a worried glance. 

_______________________

Crowley and Anathema only stayed away long enough to shower and grab quick bites of food before they were back at the hospital. Both were tense as they walked into Azira’s room until they saw her still awake. Frances stood up as soon as the two entered the room and ushered them right back out again, ignoring the protests from the teens. 

“Outside, we need to talk.” Frances whispered harshly to the two. Crowley looked over his mum’s shoulder to Azira and saw she was staring at them with the same blank expression she’d been wearing since she woke up. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end. 

Once the door to Azira’s hospital room was closed, Crowley and Anathema started trying to ask questions at the same time but one look from Frances had both quieting. 

“Azira is traumatized. This isn’t new information to you two, but she is. She has said a grand total of 4 words since she woke up this morning. She’s responding if asked to blink to acknowledge a question, but she hasn’t said anything except for apologizing after the doctor told her all of her injuries. We need to give her time, not press her to talk or answer our questions. The doctor has arranged for a therapist to come and speak to her in a few days, but we need to do our best to make sure she knows that nothing was her fault.” Frances explained to them, everyone’s face growing more grim as she talked. 

Anathema started to cry, Crowley had tears in his eyes. Both were devastated they didn’t try getting her out sooner, pushed a little harder, even if she would have been mad at them, at least then she’d have been out and safe. 

“What can we do? How can we help her?” Anathema asked, wiping her tears. 

“Just talk to her, but don’t push for her to answer you. Tell her about school, about the end of winter, plans for summer. Just don’t make it seem like she has to answer or contribute to the conversation.” Frances told them both. 

“She will be okay, won’t she?” Crowley asked, fear obvious on his face. 

“She will, but it’s going to take time and patience.” 

______________________

All three went back into the room after a few more minutes of discussing what were safe topics. Azira was back to staring at the wall with a blank look on her face still but the tension in her shoulders lessened when she heard all three enter the room. 

Anathema and Crowley started up a conversation of Crowley’s plans for his nursery, he was even thinking of taking some horticulture courses at a local university. Azira just sat and listened to their conversation but didn’t speak, even when they mentioned her in their plans for the future. The dead look stayed on her face but she did turn her head and look at them if they called her name. It was more of a response than they’d gotten all day. 

Finally it was night and Frances insisted that Crowley come home for the night. Anathema agreed to stay the night with Azira. Nobody noticed the look of relief that flickered across Azira’s face when she realized she wouldn’t be left alone. 

____________________

The nightmares were relentless. Nobody got more than an hour of sleep before Azira’s screams ripped through the air. Anathema would try to wake her but she couldn’t pull her from the nightmares, Azira was too far into it. The nurses had to come in and sedate her again to stop her thrashing after a particularly bad one. She managed to rip open several of the stitched wounds on her right arm. 

Anathema texted Crowley as she promised. He was not able to sleep either, knowing Azira was so far into her mind that she couldn’t even be pulled from nightmares. 

It made for a very long night. 

_________________________


	10. If I Die Tonight, I'll go to Heaven with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to recovery is never easy and it's even harder to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal ideation and mentions of past abuse and rape. 
> 
> As always practice self care!

It took 5 days for the therapist to get to Azira. In that time, Azira never made a sound except her screams from the nightmares. Everyone was worried, Crowley was more on edge than when she’d been unconscious. 

“Why isn’t she talking to any of us? What more can we do to get her to talk to us?” Crowley raged. 

They were in the family room while the therapist was in with Azira. Crowley was pacing and ranting, while Anathema was bouncing her leg. She’d given up trying to get Crowley to sit down and just wait for the doctor to tell them anything about Azira.

“Crowley, we can’t force her! She almost died, she was asleep for two weeks, and she’s only been awake for less than a week! It’s going to take some time for her to talk to anyone! So either sit down and be patient with her or GET. OUT!” Anathema screamed, jumping up from her seat to glare at him. 

Crowley stopped pacing long enough to glare back at Anathema. Turning on his heel, he stalked out of the room. 

Anathema sunk back to her chair, feeling even worse after Crowley left. She knew she shouldn’t have yelled, they’ve all been on edge, fearing that Azira was lost to them because they didn’t fight her harder to leave. 

Finally, the therapist came in the room and Anathema stood up. 

“It’s not good. She responded to me when I asked her to do something physically like move her hand or blink her eyes but she’s still not speaking. I’m setting up for me to see her 4 times a week.” The therapist looked grim, which didn’t help the dread pooling in Anathema. 

Nodding, Anathema thanked the doctor and walked back to Azira’s room. Azira was clearly tensed up when Anathema walked in but visibly relaxed when she saw Anathema walk in. 

“Crowley went home for a little while, he’ll come back later.” Anathema told her, smiling to hide the guilty feeling of telling Crowley to leave. 

Dragging the big chair over next to the bed, Anathema picked up the book she’d been reading to Azira that morning and continued reading to pass the time. Winnie the Pooh had always been a favorite of Azira’s, she used to constantly gush how much the story meant to her growing up. 

Anathema had just gotten to Azira’s favorite quote in the book, ‘I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams we can be together all the time’ when she was startled by a sniffle, right before a body curled up next to her. She never even noticed that Azira got up, she was so silent. Anathema wasn’t sure what to do, but when she heard the sniffle again, she wrapped her best friend in her arms, mindful of the cast on one arm and the IV attached to the other. 

“Azira, I won’t ask you to talk, I know you’re suffering, but you don’t have to suffer in silence or on your own. We’re here, we should have fought you harder to leave, we should have reported them.” Anathema told her friend, barely holding back her own tears. 

They sat in silence, the only sound being Azira’s sniffles, before a raspy voice broke the quiet. 

“I want to die, Ana.” 

Anathema tensed up and closed her eyes to stop the sob from escaping. “Please don’t leave me. Don’t leave Crowley or his mum. I’m so sorry we failed you.” 

Azira didn’t respond for a few more minutes again, curling closer to Anathema as much as her body would let her. 

“Crowley is gone for good, isn’t he?” Azira whispered. 

“No! No, he isn’t. It’s my fault he’s not here right now. I told him to leave. He was taking everything too close to heart and I was afraid he’d lose his temper.” Anathema tried to explain, silently begging Azira to not be mad at her, even though she knew Azira had every right to be. 

“He’s worried about you, we all are. Crowley was the one who found you. He sent you a ton of messages, you never opened them. You would always at least read the messages we sent you, even if you never replied, we knew you saw them. But this time, you weren’t even reading them and he got worried. He went to your house and crawled through your window only to see you on the floor almost dead. He called for an ambulance then called me. We didn’t know if you were alive or what. I had to tell the hospital you’re my little sister for them to let us stay.” 

Azira whimpered, remembering Sandalphon attacking her. “My family left. I got home from school and the house was empty, they just left. I had a bag that I was putting clothes and books in, I hid it from them but they found it. I got home and the house was empty and my bag was on my floor and they left me.” 

Anathema wrapped her arms tighter around Azira, still mindful of the cast and IV. 

“I know I’m not wanted, that I’m a mistake and burden, but what did I do to be left behind?” Azira sobbed. Anathema’s heart was breaking, because how could Azira still want the people that abused her? 

She started to ask Azira but was cut off by Azira. It seemed that once she started talking, she was wont to stop. 

“I can be better, I can try. My family left, Crowley left, you’re going to get tired of my burden and you’re going to leave. Why couldn’t Sandalphon kill me?” Azira wailed, burying her head into Anathema’s side. 

Anathema pulled back like she’d been struck, “NO! That’s not true, Azira! We’re not leaving you! Crowley is coming back, he is. He’s just been terrified about losing you. Please don’t leave me. I have you, you have me. I’m never going to leave you. We’re going to graduate, I’m going to get my inheritance, and then we’re going to go off to university together and never come back to this place again!” 

She tucked away the fact that Azira told her who tried to kill her. Sandalphon would pay, if it’s the last thing Anathema ever did, he’d pay for all of this. They didn’t know where Azira’s family went, but Azira was 18 when they left so they couldn’t get them for abandonment and there was no proof that her family did this since they were seen leaving the morning before Azira was attacked. 

Azira didn’t respond, she just let out another whimper and buried her face back into Anathema’s side. Anathema vowed to never let Azira be hurt again, not while she drew breath. They stay curled up together, Anathema telling Azira of the plans she’s made for them, knowing Azira was listening to her. The dead look was still in her eyes, Anathema prayed she’d be able to bring her spark back, but at least she gave half hearted smiles at Anathema’s plans. 

_____________________

Crowley opened the hospital room door quietly, peeking his head around. It was just after 6 in the morning and he didn’t want to wake up Azira or Anathema, especially with the broken nights they’d been getting from Azira’s nightmares. Closing the door, he turned around and froze. 

Azira was wrapped around Anathema, who held her tightly. Someone, probably a nurse, had draped a blanket around the two of them. But that wasn’t what made him freeze. 

Azira’s face was relaxed and almost peaceful. If he looked closely, he’d swear there was a small smile on her lips but you’d have to look deep for it. Crowley took out his phone and took a picture of the two women, for some reason this was a moment he knew would need to be remembered. 

The click of the phone camera had Anathema’s eyes popping open. She glared at the red head, who look guilty under her gaze. Shifting slightly, Anathema slipped out from under Azira and laid her gently on the couch, tucking the blanket, that still had her body heat, around Azira so she wouldn’t miss her. 

“Outside, now.” Anathema demanded. 

Standing out in the hallway, Crowley shifted from one foot to his other under the other’s gaze. 

“She’s convinced you abandoned her like her family. I know you’re frustrated and angry, but Crowley, you need to know that she was beaten and raped. She’s not going to be a-okay 2 minutes after waking up. She talked to me last night, she wants to die. She’s wishing he would have killed her, she’s convinced she’s a burden, and that nobody wants her or will leave her.” 

Crowley lowered his head the more Anathema spoke. Some of it was new, but the gist of it, his mother had given to him when he showed up and told her why he left the hospital. 

“Anathema, Anathema! I know, I know! Mum went off on me all night about leaving Azira without telling her I was coming back. I’m sorry, okay? I was frustrated because we knew what was happening but we didn’t do anything to make her leave, make sure she was safe.” Crowley whisper-shouted. 

“You don’t need to apologize to me, you need to apologize to Azira. Crowley, you don’t understand how much she honestly believes she is a burden.” 

Crowley’s shoulders hunched up around his ears in shame. 

_____________________

They went back into the room to see Azira sitting up, tears falling down her face. 

Anathema hurried back to the couch, wrapping her arms around Azira, trying to sooth her. 

“Shhh, shhh, Azira. We just stepped outside because you needed your rest. You’ve been so exhausted and haven’t been sleeping well. We’re here and we’re not leaving you, promise.” Anathema kept trying to sooth her. 

“I’m so sorry, Azira. I shouldn’t have left yesterday, this is my failings, not yours. I’ve been worried about you, but I wasn’t expressing it or channeling it properly. Please forgive me.” Crowley said as he walked over to the couch, sitting beside her. 

Azira pulled back from Anathema, slowly wiping her tears away. 

She leaned over, placing her head on Crowley’s shoulder, grabbing Anathema’s hands, “I’m just glad you came back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really do have a picture that a nurse took of me and my friend when I was in the hospital. I’d been so desperate for comfort that when my friend was reading Winnie the Pooh to me, I climbed out of bed (it hurt like hell but I wanted to be held more than it physically hurt) and practically crawled in her lap lol. We fell asleep on the couch together and a nurse took a picture of us. I have it hidden away and pull it out when I need to remind myself I survived. 
> 
> People automatically assume that those that have been raped or sexually assaulted don’t want to be touched. Yes, there are a large portion that shy away from touch. There’s also a small percentage that end up craving any kind of positive touch. I’m part of that. Growing up, if I was touched, it was never in love or kindness, so now as an adult I crave touch and hugs. During that dark part of my life, my friend being the only person who cared, I practically glued myself to her because she hugged me and it was nice. 
> 
> The next part will have a time skip, then I’ll be starting on the sequel. I am absolutely blown away with all the love and support you all have given to me through the course of this story. It’s been such a weight off my shoulder to share my story and to FINALLY have people believe me. When I reported my ex, I was told that I lead him on, it was morning after regrets, or I was just trying to cover my own ass since I was pregnant. I was 16, I went to my school guidance counselor, told her what happened, that I was pregnant from him raping me. I was scared, felt trapped, and didn’t know if I had it in me to live. I told her I was contemplating running away, either to have an abortion or to get away from him (and my mother who would have forced me to marry him) so he couldn’t control me. She took it upon herself to tell him behind my back. He was afraid the police would believe me if I was pregnant, so he shoved me down 2 flights of stairs and kicked me relentlessly, putting me in ICU and causing me to lose my daughter. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital from that attack. My family still let him around, because he was ‘as good as I would ever get’. It was 2 months after I left the hospital from this, that the events that Azira goes through here occurred. 
> 
> Thank you again for the love and support in this story. I love you all very much!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already started on a sequel for this since people actually want one. You are all amazing! 
> 
> This does have reference to past abuse and rape, nothing graphic. There is a panic attack that Azira suffers but that’s it. This chapter is 95% fluff lol.

Shelving books always made Azira feel calm, being able to shelve books in her own room made it all the better. Azira couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she pulled a well worn book out of the box, running her fingers over the lettering on the cover. She turned and walked to her bedside table and placed it there, just as a knock sounded behind her. 

“Hey, Zira, you finished unpacking your room yet? Crowley and I were thinking of getting some pizza delivered for dinner.” Anathema asked, coming to sit on the bed. 

Smiling at her sister, “Yes, I’m finished. I was just trying to figure out which book to read tonight.” 

Anathema looked around her to notice the Winnie the Pooh book sitting on her bedside table and couldn’t hide the flash of worry that crossed her face. Azira noticed it and quickly sat next to her, pushing against her side. It was a well established coping mechanism that Azira developed with Anathema, physical touch helping to ease both of their fears and worries. 

“I’m okay, it’s still one of my favorites, but now it just has deeper meanings to me and you. I’m okay, I promise.” 

___________________________

It’d been 7 months since Azira’s attack, just under 6 months since she was released from the hospital, a month since they’d graduated school, and a week since her, Anathema, and Crowley had moved to London. Anathema was finally able to access her inheritance since she’d graduated, so she was quick to get Azira to go shopping for a flat for them in London. Azira was reluctant since it wasn’t her money, she didn’t have anything to offer or contribute, but Anathema refused to even hear it. The flat was owned by both her and Azira, equally, despite Azira’s protests. 

The nightmares still plagued Azira, but they were lessening the more time that passed. Most nights though, found Azira going into Anathema’s room and curling up in bed with her. She wanted to go to Crowley some nights, but she didn’t want to burden him too with her problems. 

Azira had been released from the hospital after they were sure she was healing properly and that there weren’t any lingering physical issues that might have been hidden. Her arm was still in a cast, which wouldn’t come off for a minimum of 8 weeks, but almost all of the cuts and stab wounds had healed, almost all of them left scars littering her body. 

After Azira had been released from the hospital, Crowley and Frances had insisted that she stay with them while they finished school. Azira, at first, fought them afraid of being a burden on them, but Frances was the one to put that fear to rest. Frances took her under her wing and wouldn’t let her leave that shelter. Azira found a kindred spirit in Crowley’s mum, and while it broke her heart, she was glad Frances was in her life. 

Despite the five week stay in the hospital, Azira returned to school and didn’t allow herself to fall behind, determined to prove her worth to everyone. Anathema and Crowley tried telling her she didn’t need to push herself to the limits but she was determined to get something back. Azira graduated top of her class, earning a full scholarship to university, even landing a job in the library. Frances was front and center for all three of them as they graduated. She showered all three in kisses and hugs afterwards. 

Sandalphon had disappeared and Azira was not interested in finding him. While she’d been in hospital, the police and detectives tried to get her to tell them who attacked her but she wouldn’t talk about it. The case remained open, because there was no statute of limitations for attempted murder, but Azira had no desire to go through any court case or having to face Sandalphon in court. 

________________

The start of term was exciting for Azira. She was starting her classes, double majoring in Library Sciences and Business, working in the library part time. Anathema was studying history, wanting to be a prophetic historian. Crowley wasn’t enrolled officially but he did sign up for some horticulture classes offered to the public. He found a job working in a floral shop and was happy. 

Azira was about to finish her shift at the library, closing it up, when Crowley walked in. 

“Hey, angel! Almost done for the night?” 

Nodding, Azira walked out from behind the counter and started flicking off the lights. Grabbing her keys, both walked towards the door to lock up. 

“So… I, uhh, I wanted to ask you something.” Crowley stuttered out. 

Turning questioning eyes to her friend, “Of course, dear. What’s the matter?”

“Wouldyouliketogooutwithmelikeadate?” Crowley rushed out. 

Azira stopped walking, trying to figure out what Crowley just asked her. Finally the words decoded in her mind and her eyes widened. 

“You…you want to go out with me? Like an actual date?” Azira asked, shocked. Of course she secretly had feelings for Crowley, but after everything that happened, she didn’t think he’d ever return them. 

“Angel, I’ve wanted to ask you out for almost a year.” 

Azira’s mouth opened in a perfect O shape. “Crowley, are you sure? You would want to be with me, even after everything that happened?” 

Crowley scowled, not liking how Azira was subtly making digs at herself. “Yes, angel. I still want to be with you, in any way you want me to be. What happened, none of it was your fault, no matter what that insidious voice tells you. I think you’re absolutely beautiful. You’re brilliant too. I mean, your fashion sense could be a little more this century but if it was, it wouldn’t be you.” 

Azira looked down at her trousers and waistcoat, trying to hide her grin. After moving in with Crowley and Frances, she had to get a whole new wardrobe and Frances didn’t hesitate to buy what Azira truly wanted, not the clothes her family had made her wear. Skirts and dresses were okay but Azira preferred trousers, waistcoats, bowties, button ups, and jumpers. All of which Frances made sure to stuff her room with. 

“I’d love that Crowley.” 

_________________________

It was Friday, which meant the library closed later than normal. Azira loved closing the library, most students hated it because it ate into their nightlife, but Azira preferred it. 

It was almost midnight, which meant closing time, so Azira started making rounds, reminding students that it was closing time and to return their books to the proper spaces or to the desk for her to do so. 

Locking the doors at precisely midnight after ushering out the straggling students, Azira hummed a song she heard playing in Crowley’s car when he drove them to the university that morning. She was in a good mood, excited because her and Crowley were going out the next night. She still couldn’t believe that Crowley really wanted her. She knew he hated when she referred to herself as a burden or used goods, but it’s how she truly felt some days. The doctors reminded her all the time that healing took time, but patience never was a virtue she (or Crowley) had. 

Finally finishing returning all the books to their proper places, Azira grabbed her things and locked the library up. Crowley had texted her telling her that he was still at the floral shop, finishing up some last minute orders that were late in coming in. She was okay walking the 3 blocks from the library to the shop, she was. She didn’t need to have someone with her at every single moment. 

Still humming the catchy tune from earlier, she started walking. Half a block from the library, she froze. Standing across the street from her stood Sandalphon, grinning at her. Azira could feel herself start to hyperventilate, she’d had enough panic attacks over the last 8 months to know she was having another one. 

Azira dropped to the ground, trying to gain control of her breathing but her mind was speeding, racing down the road, reliving all of what happened to her at his hands. Suddenly, there were hands on her, a distant voice calling her name. She jerked back harshly, screaming at the offending party to stay away from her. At least it felt like screaming. She couldn’t get enough oxygen in her lungs to scream. 

Putting her head between her knees, she tried to get a grip of herself. After several tense seconds, the voice appeared again, this time coaxing her to breath in and out in a steady rhythm. The voice sounded familiar and safe. 

After a few minutes, Azira shuddered out a deep breath, and was able to finally take in a proper lung full of air. 

“There you go, you are okay. You did great, angel. Can I help you stand up?” The voice asked above her. 

“Crowley.” Azira croaked, her throat raw. 

“Yeah, it’s me, angel. Let me help you up, get you in the car.” Crowley told her, slowly wrapping his arms around her to guide her to the car. Azira didn’t have the energy to do anything but let Crowley move her to the car. 

Once she was settled safely in the car, Crowley walked around to the driver side, getting in and glancing at Azira. 

“Do you know what triggered this one, angel?” Crowley asked softly. 

Azira didn’t answer for a few minutes, making Crowley worry that she retreated back into her silence like she did occasionally after panic attacks or nightmares. 

“Sandalphon. He was across the street. He saw me.” Azira whispered. 

Despite never telling Crowley who attacked her, he had his suspicions, especially since Sandalphon disappeared right at the same time Azira was attacked. This just confirmed it for him. 

“You need to report him, angel. He cannot get away with what happened. You need closure too.” Crowley told her. His words, while blunt, were said with the utmost love and care in his voice. 

After waiting for a response, and getting none, Crowley started the car and drove them home. He practically carried Azira into the flat, into her room, and put her in bed. He sat her pjs on her bedside table, for her to change, offering to get Anathema to help her but Azira shook her head. 

Leaning over to place a small kiss on Azira’s cheek, Crowley tucked Azira in, and then left to let Azira rest. She was always exhausted after panic attacks. 

He found Anathema in the kitchen, looking terrified. She’d seen Crowley practically carry a comatose Azira into her room and she wanted to know what happened. Crowley sat at the breakfast bar and explained what happened. Anathema was at a loss for what to do, without Azira making the compliant, they’d never be able to move the criminal case forward. They decided to each call it a night, knowing they’d just go in the same circles they’ve been going for months. 

An hour later, Crowley is laying on his bed, staring up at the skylight in his room. Azira had fallen in love with this flat when she saw the room had a skylight designed to stargaze. She knew that it was perfect for Crowley. 

A soft knock interrupted Crowley’s thoughts. The door slowly opened to reveal a pajama clad Azira, clutching the stuffed Winnie the Pooh bear that his mum had given Azira. 

“Angel? Are you okay?” Crowley asked, sitting up. 

“Can I come in?” Azira asked quietly. 

Crowley nodded, making room on his bed for Azira to climb in beside him. Nobody said anything for a while, Azira just soaking up the loving, physical touch of being pressed into Crowley’s side, Crowley holding her close and waiting for her to speak. 

“I think you’re right. He could be out there hurting someone else and if he is, it’d be my fault for not trying to get him away from innocent people.” Azira whispered to the darkness. 

“You’re not at fault for anything, but you know you have all of us by your side, no matter what.” 

Azira stayed silent for a little longer. 

“I think I love you, Crowley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please don’t kill me lol. I am fully planning a sequel to this and have started on the first chapter. 
> 
> I know I’ve said this before, but for real, I love you all. Your support and love throughout this has been absolutely amazing and been what kept me going. I won’t lie, I’ve copied everyone’s comments and printed them out, so that I can be reminded on dark moments that while I did suffer, I survived and people love me. You are all the absolute best and amazing! I love you all so much!!


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